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Home » Blog Page » Grieving is a mystery

Grieving is a mystery

August 19, 2022 By joanna

Almost 2 months ago, my father passed and completed his duties here on this Earth. This photo on the left is one of my favorites as it really portrays the relationship my father and I had. I am not sure who is having more fun in that moment…..but 2 months later, I feel that grieving is still a mystery.

My father was my rock. I feel like he was the only one who truly understood me when I was growing up. When I needed to be wound up, I would talk with Mom. If I needed calming, I would call my Father. He somehow always knew what to say.

He was also the person I looked up to. I learned so much from him. As a child, I would help me dad with all the fixing projects at home. Only about 12 years ago did I ask him why me? Why not my other sisters?

His response: “You were the only one interested in taking things apart, learning how it worked and putting it back together better than it was before.” And he was right, I loved doing that! My father was a mechanical engineer, so he helped me created a bit more structure around what my mom thought was destructive behavior.

At first, I was not sure how I was going to react when my father was put on hospice after a heart attack.  In the past 7 years while he was sick, I had said so many goodbyes unsure if that would be the last time I would see him alive.  And then the calls started coming in from my siblings that “Dad is in the ER”.  I called my sister who was with him and Mom, and said a few words.  And I received a few grunts from him as he could not speak with the CPAC breathing apparatus on his mouth and nose.

For days, I had told my sisters, Mom and myself that I would be okay if I just came in for the funeral as I have said so many goodbyes.  But then, 2 days later, I woke up at 4:58 AM (i usually stir no sooner than 5:30 AM) and immediately knew that I had to go and say goodbye to Dad….I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t even try! 

I managed to find a flight and airport parking with a shuttle within 12 minutes.  I am not even sure I had coffee first, but I was able to get home and to the hospital so I could see my father one last time.  Somehow I kept saying to my father “Dad, don’t you leave before I get there!  I am coming!  Please wait!!”
Backstory, his mother and sister both passed while he was in flight traveling to Poland.  I really didn’t want that to be the case now.  “Please Dad, wait for me!!  I am on my way!!!!”

Somehow he heard me. 

But death is a weird thing.  Although you are prepared for it, you really are not prepared for it.  Even if you think you are, you have no idea how the grief will hit you or for how long. 

Grieving is a mystery.  This is the first death in the family and although I was somewhat relieved, I am still somewhat lost, unmotivated and questioning who I am.  Not that I haven’t felt this way before, especially during Covid, I felt it alot.  But this feels different.  Not being able to feel his presence even in a phone call, not being able to get one of his hugs, or not being able to fly back to Chicago and sit on his lap (yes, I sat on Dad’s lap alot….much to my mother’s chagrin).  But that was the bond we had.  He supported my athletic adventures.  He came last minute to my first Ironman in Lake Placid in 1999….and I was a complete worrying mess until he showed up at 12:30 the day before the race.

My dad came out in 2008 to help me re-organize my business after the economic crash which really impacted my business.  Now I am trying to channel his energy in so I can re-organize myself, not just my business.

My grieving is a mystery as none of my sisters seem to be feeling this way as I do.  And maybe it was because I was daddy’s little girl and a wee bit closer to him than the others.  Someone wrote on Facebook, that my father will always be a part of me.  That part cannot ever leave me. My challenge is that I want to FEEL that part of him in me.  Maybe I should stop looking and just allow what is, to just be what it is and not try to make it something else.

In some ways, I felt like I lost my father over 7 years ago when he first got that flu and half of him literally disappeared.  Half of his mind was gone and it never came back.  Then the ravages of old age set in gradually on top of that.  But I was still able to call and say a few words with him and hear his voice.  I could fly to Chicago and spend time with him and Mom, and still get a hug and sit on his lap.  It got increasingly hard though as he became wheelchair bound.

 

I was and I wasn’t prepared for him going. Although he was sick and I had said goodbye so many times, saying it one final time just changes everything.

I still want to call home and ask Dad a question – even with his limited ability, he would always say exactly what I needed to hear.

Grieving is a mystery for sure and for anyone who experiences it for the first time, there is no formula. There is just a process of being present to whatever is in this moment.

Now it is just over 2 months later, and I still think about my father often. I wonder how he will connect with me and have asked that he show up as a smokey blue monarch butterfly. Never seen one, but that would really let me know it is him!

Who knows what will be my next step in the grieving process. Hopefully I will start to feel again what it is I am supposed to be doing with my days, and how I am to serve my clients with the gifts God gave me. I know how to do this, but wow, these past 2 months have really been un-inpsiring for my marketing, writing and creative brain to kick in. So as I continue to embrace the mystery of grieving, I keep asking God to support me however He can, and I also ask my Dad for his wisdom as he was really good at planning….and I am more of a creator and doer. If I just keep talking about it, maybe it will all just snap into place. Sooner than later please

Filed Under: pain

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I began working with Joanna a year or so ago after a stay in the hospital for kidney stones and an E Coli infection. I was concerned about what would best serve my nutritional needs and keep my kidneys healthy. In addition, my a 1 c was elevated indicating borderline diabetes. It is a condition that runs in the family so I wanted to be proactive. Simultaneously, the pandemic necessitated quarantine so our monthly sessions were an anchor to some sense of normalcy in an abnormal time.  I'm not someone who responds well to 'You have to..." Joanna's style is guidance and suggestion, without absolutes. As a result of our time together, my a1c lowered to within normal range and I lost 20 lbs.  Some of our sessions were spent exploring long-standing attitudes and behavioral patterns that didn't serve me and I was able to see my way clear of many of them. Joanna is a body-mind-spirit professional whose services can be offered either in person or online. With her supportive coaching, you will experience positive life changes too.
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My girl Joanna Chodorowska is the quintessential iron woman ASTERISK *with a hip replacement!!!!! who consults with athletes for sports needs. OK I'm NOT a tri-athlete, but have ongoing issues from a couple of recent fractures that have affected my body/energy/wellness/psyche and Joanna has been there for me!!!! Her knowledge and recommendations for healing have been invaluable! I am basically focusing on healing and anti inflammatory issues and she is a veritable compendium of knowledge with some love and understanding. If your VESSEL isn't right call her at Nutrition In Motion LLC. HH
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In 2012 I was new in the world of triathlons and had completed an Ironman. While it was a great experience, I had major cramping and had poor nutrition throughout the race. I also found myself cramping up in marathons and with a goal of a sub 3 marathon, I knew I couldn't achieved that if race day nutrition wasn't fixed. I found Joanna through various friends that had used her and recommended her services. We had phone sessions because live quite a distance from her office, but it worked out great. She made sure to individualize my nutrition plan to fit my exact needs. I completed another Ironman earlier this month and PR'd by over an hour and placed 3rd in my AG and 8th OA female not including pros. My marathon is at a 3:05 but hope to get sub 3 very soon and am confident that with my new race day nutrition, I will!
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'Just want to thank you for introducing me a your 2 week detox diet.

It has made a huge impact on my life. ... This "diet" really worked because it was really easy.

I did find myself a few pounds down. ...because of the diet, my normal way of eating has permanently changed. ... I was introduced to a variety of foods that I normally never ate. .... Job well done Joanna.'  - DG

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'Just want to thank you for introducing me a your 2 week detox diet. It has made a huge impact on my life. ... This "diet" really worked because it was really easy. I did find myself a few pounds down. ...because of the diet, my normal way of eating has permanently changed. ... I was introduced to a variety of foods that I normally never ate. .... Job well done Joanna.'  - DG
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a real person detox!

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"I like the [detox] plan because all the food sounds good and you feel like a “real” person that doesn’t stop her life for a detox. I don’t feel like I have to eat at home for 2 weeks, life can go on. I am really looking forward to this and the cooking." BO
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Feeling a lot stronger

Thank you again SO much for all this awesome info. I am honestly feeling a lot stronger in my training lately and the heat isn't bothering me at all. 

I am also cramping less in my runs lately, and really attribute a lot of this to our fixing my constant state of dehydration and I'm just more aware of my fueling during the day since our first session. Just feeling really grateful!  - Sara C

Nutrition in Motion PA - personal life, nutrition & eating disorder recovery coach
2015-02-06T20:01:24+00:00
Thank you again SO much for all this awesome info. I am honestly feeling a lot stronger in my training lately and the heat isn't bothering me at all.  I am also cramping less in my runs lately, and really attribute a lot of this to our fixing my constant state of dehydration and I'm just more aware of my fueling during the day since our first session. Just feeling really grateful!  - Sara C
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“I am conquering my demons, and The Path To Heal is the only thing that changed” AR 2014
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2015-02-06T19:59:02+00:00
“I am conquering my demons, and The Path To Heal is the only thing that changed” AR 2014
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I followed the plan to perfection

"I followed Coach Joanna's plan to perfection.
I weighed in yesterday at 148 with 7% body fat..  At 52 ...maybe for the first time in
my life...I can say..I am ripped...and ready...I usually race at 159 and usually weigh 169."  -  John Y 2013
Nutrition in Motion PA - personal life, nutrition & eating disorder recovery coach
2015-02-06T19:51:36+00:00
"I followed Coach Joanna's plan to perfection. I weighed in yesterday at 148 with 7% body fat..  At 52 ...maybe for the first time in my life...I can say..I am ripped...and ready...I usually race at 159 and usually weigh 169."  -  John Y 2013
https://nutrition-in-motion.net/testimonials/i-followed-the-plan-to-perfection

Burden was lifted!

"I feel like a burden has lifted by the Path To Heal session.

I feel empowered now to go eat healthy and stop this self sabotage' - LJ

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2015-02-05T16:47:49+00:00
"I feel like a burden has lifted by the Path To Heal session. I feel empowered now to go eat healthy and stop this self sabotage' - LJ
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